face to face with God

ok so for Master's we're reading Face to Face With God by Bill Johnson and here's what God showed me through the 1st two chapters .....


ok so all i can say is wow! this book has really got me thinking, it was one of those i need to read this like 3 times type things. Anyways i know this isn;t going to sound like i read it but this is what the book really stirred inside of me ...

It all happened at the part where Bill Johnson is talking about how living your life for Christ always requires something painful. It made me start thinking about the way i used to be. At first it caught me really off guard and i didn't know why but then i realized the reason why it came up is because whats been the most painful part of me giving my life. Now i don't mean dealing with the stuff of my past and having inner healing, i mean giving up my identity, everything i was, who i thought i was. The person i had turned myself into was so completely different then the person God intended me to be. I surrendured my life and God began to change me. He stripped me of the identity i created and began to reveal who i really am. You know when i was in Master's it was great because everyone approved of the new me and everyone wanted so badly to see me walk out his plan and purpose for me. So even though it was uncomfortable to change i didn't notice the pain... until i got home. I've been thrown back into my old life and to be honest it hurts. I'm in a constant battle with my old self and the person i truly am. Why is it that i crave my old identity? probably because it was comfortabe it was something i created. I honestly feel like in someways im mourning the death of someone i knew. Even though this life is better, for some reason i desire to be who i was and i hate that even an ounce of me would want that.... I really hope this is making sense.... Even though the temptation is there and there is so much pain i know that what God has for me is so much better and i would never want to willingly decrease the favor of Him in my life. God has put a supernatural favor in my life, i can see it everywhere i look ... So why do i want my old identity back? I guess being home as made me see, realize, and finally understand what it means to have to die daily.